I QUIT!!!

I am officially done trying to make the continual extra effort to communicate with people when I get nothing in return. Sometimes it feels like I have to pull teeth in order to get some people's attention and I am kind of sick of it. I no longer want to be the doormat that people dismiss and take for granted while I put forth so much effort. I know this may sound really selfish but at this point I really don't care. There is only so long that you can pretend that it doesn't bug you until it finally makes you want to explode. Now I am not sure who all reads my blog (because let's face it, recently it has been kind of boring) but I am pretty sure it isn't you who I am talking about, so don't get offended. My whole life I have been the more quiet and reserved one and believe it or not I had and do have opinions. I have started to come out of my shell a little bit more since I started playing for the Jordan lax team and I do know how to stick up for myself. Most of the time I will let people do little things that annoy me and I don't really say anything, but after awhile it adds up and then they try and do something else that is mean or just stupid and I go off. It is a rare sight to see unless you are one of my sisters but so many people try to take advantage of the fact that I do care about how people feel.

I think that I have made it harder for people to actually get to know me because I hold back so that they can't hurt me. For example, not many people will ever see me dance and sing to radio songs...I am sure that I can count it on my fingers. I know that seems small but I don't trust too many people implicitly that I will open up that much to them. Another thing is that very few people have seen me cry because of something that bothers or hurt me (yes of course there is at church when you get up for testimony and start crying...also when Nate died but that was kind of a more mellow version at least at the church...Vanessa and Sarah saw the real thing). What I mean by crying is when I am left feeling deeply disappointed or someone has hurt me I try to hide my feelings.

Another thing I hate and I am not quite sure why (I have a slight idea) is when people heard about something that happened and ask if I am okay...I know this should be a nice thing and comforting but for some reason it makes me feel weak. I am trying to work on this because people are usually genuinely concerned. Here are some of the situations when it bothered me...in 2007 on St. Patricks day I was supposed to be going over to the beetdigger tournament but the night before and that morning I had the worst ache and it hurt to breath, so I went to instacare instead. Long story short I had to get a CAT scan and they didn't really figure out what was wrong but the pain went away. For the next few days people would keep on coming up to me and asking if I was alright (sorry if I didn't thank you for your concern) and this drove me nuts because I didn't want people to know that I had that moment of weakness. Another instance was my senior year of high school I was doing lifeguard training and after swimming for forever I developed a huge charley horse and had to be pulled out of the water by the instructors because I couldn't swim (of course we were in the deep end so that could have turned out great!) and then it hurt to walk on for the next few days. Later I tell my coach for some reason and then at the next practice I had to sit out during sprints-most people in this situation would be thrilled, but I felt like the biggest slacker and tried to sneak into the drills. I guess the overall thing is that sometimes I just don't like to be pitied.

lacrosse venting

So this post isn't necessary to read I just wanted to vent a little about lacrosse.

If most of you don't already know I decided that I wasn't going to coach this year and Jordan got new head coaches. It is true that I said I don't have the time to coach but that doesn't mean I won't help out the new ones if they need it. So anyway, the new coaches have decided that they want to totally abandon the traditions of the old Jordan team-you know the one that won 4 state championships and made it to the playoffs at least every year except the first-and rely on what they know from playing at a school with a lacrosse coach that was a cheerleader and didn't know too much about lacrosse. That past just included some of the best coaches ever in the state like Soni and Eugena. It just bugs me how they can dismiss the past completely without realizing that it got Jordan to where it is today-a highly respected team. Then the JLO president keeps on asking me where the old players are and what they are doing for the team. Does everything we do for lacrosse have to be for Jordan? Are we not allowed to move on and start other teams, officiate and coach other places than at Jordan??? Last thing I promise that I am going to bring up is how people in the JLO (jordan lacrosse organization) have acted since I turned down the head coaching position. So I was talking to the girls parent rep a few months ago and I was talking with her about some of my concerns about the team and she started saying things like "well you didn't step up to coach," "I wasn't aware that you were doing anything to help" (almost in a smartalic tone) and that I think was what sent me over the top. The thing that I hate most about this situation is that I DON'T LIKE DRAMA and yet I am stuck in the middle of it trying to fight my way out.

I am ready to be completely done with Jordan lacrosse and just move on to Tribal.